Two Thousand and Seventeen

72 Days

Seventy two days. That is how long I have been blessed to be your mother. It still seems so surreal at times. Just the other day, I walked you down the hallway to your bedroom to change your diaper, and I looked at you and said “I’m your mommy! Can you believe it? I’m a mom! And you are my daughter!” You just looked at me and gave me that half smile you always give and let out a coo. Of course it was totally adorable!

These are the days that I have dreamed of for so long. These are the days that I used to fear I would never get to experience or cherish. Being a lesbian, conception obviously was going to be a little more tricky for us. There are so many different ways that lesbian couples choose to conceive and it doesn’t always involve a fertility clinic. I, on the other hand, am so grateful that we had the opportunity to use a fertility clinic to help us in conceiving our little miracle.

At this time last year we were starting our FET process to have one of our frosty little embryos placed. We had no idea that Alyssa would be the result and I would be lying if I said we were feeling pretty hopeless after four failed cycles. I was almost at the point of taking a break from the “TTC” world and then she came along and we were elated. After suffering from two biochemical pregnancies, it seemed too good to be true. It wasn’t, though! And at 40 weeks and 3 days, Alyssa was born! She weighed a healthy 7 lbs 7.3 oz and measured 19.68″ long.

Being her mommy is one of the greatest gifts that could’ve happened to me/us. Her other mom (Melissa) loves her so much. It’s adorable to see the way she interacts with Alyssa. There was no doubt in my mind that she would be nothing but a fantastic mother and she has proven that plus some so far. I think that we definitely make a good team and I am so proud of us for all that we have accomplished on this new journey. It has been a rollercoaster of a ride but we wouldn’t have it any other way!

In two days I will return back to work after having the last 10 weeks and 3 days off with Alyssa on maternity leave. I know that I will be extremely sad not being able to be with her as much as I have been. I am so glad that she will be staying home with her other mommy instead of being put in daycare. Melissa quit her daytime job at Enterprise and will be staying home with Alyssa during the day. I will be working at a new job during the week (Monday – Friday) and Melissa will continue working at night at the casino. I feel that making this transition will be a little rough at first but I’m confident that we will figure things out. I have really been trying to stay organized at home to help with bills and keeping all of our schedules on track. My mom has been an extremely big help with Alyssa, especially in the beginning days when us new mothers we’re trying to navigate through life with a newborn. Good thing she had lots of practice with six kids of her own! It also helps to have an extra set of hands to help with a fussy baby, too!

Fun facts about 10 week old Alyssa:

• She loves her hands and chewing on them.

• She smiles a lot when people talk to her.

• She tries to talk and coo all of the time.

• Her swing is her favorite (vibrates, sings, and swings! – what’s not to like?).

• Whenever she is in her swing, she kicks her blankets off.

• She loves being swaddled, especially if she is crabby! Puts her right to sleep.

• She can almost hold her head up (still somewhat wobbly)

• If she doesn’t have someone sitting in the backseat on car rides, she fusses and cries.

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Long Overdue

Man, I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve written a blog post. (Why do I feel like I start every blog with that same one liner? Oh wait. Probably because it’s true!)

So.many.things have happened since I have written last. We moved from IL/IN to FL. We have met 3 out of 4 diblings (donor siblings) in the process. We found out who our sperm donor is in real life. What is anonymity now-a-days anyway? It’s scary but true. Social media and google make things and people a lot easier to find. Alyssa had her first birthday celebration and is currently 16 months. She started daycare about 6 weeks ago. I have a new job at a fertility clinic in Florida and I am an Egg Donor Coordinator which is pretty cool. We bought new cars. My wife has been struggling to find a job and works for a factory through a temp agency 5-6 days a week on third shift. Alyssa and I see her for like an hour a day if she works because she is already gone before I get home.

Things have been pretty rough to say the least. Moving across the country is no joke. We moved because we hoped for a better life in Florida for our little family. Living in the Midwest gets old dealing with all of the cold, wet, and snowy months. Alyssa barely went outside in her first year of life because of it. We should have done more research before moving because we had no idea how expensive it is to live near Orlando. It’s apparently one of the fastest growing cities in the United States. I got a job right away, before we moved, because if you have experience in the fertility business – you’re pretty damn needed/marketable. My wife on the other hand is more of a blue collar worker. She doesn’t know how to use a computer. Yes, I know, that seems insane in this day and age…it pretty much is. Because of this, it’s sooo much harder for her to find a job. I’m really pushing her to go to a local library to take classes to learn how to navigate the computer so she can get a better job. It’s a work in progress. I also hate temp agencies because it means that her job can change all of the time if she isn’t hired on after 90 days. As I mentioned above, she works the third shift meaning I never get to see her but 1-1.5 days a week because she sleeps during the day and is gone before I come home from work and picking up Alyssa from daycare. It’s a monotonous life but we’re doing what we have to for now. I try not to feel so selfishly sad that I don’t get to spend as much time with her as I used to but damn it sucks. I miss her all of the time. I know Alyssa does, too. We’re lucky that she works so hard for us.

Alyssa has been growing up so quickly. Sometimes I feel bad for wishing she were older because damn raising a toddler is freaking tough work. I look at her when she is playing with her toys on the floor by herself or while she is sleeping and I just get this overwhelming feeling of love inside of me that just instantly causes tears to run down my cheeks. I sit there and think, holy shit, I created that perfect little human. She came from a freaking cell in my body and I grew her inside of me like some alien experiment. Hahaha jk. But seriously…women are amazing. I am really trying to appreciate the small things and pay attention to the things that will fade away as she gets older. She is such a sassy little thing, actually sasshole is more like it sometimes! 😂 She does things at her own pace. She hasn’t started walking 100% yet. She has taken max 10 steps at once. She still zooms around by crawling and “knee walking”. I just love when she grabs my face and gives me a kiss or squeezes us tightly in a hug. She is such a water baby which is helpful living in Florida! She has the cutest giggle. She has a bunch of teeth, I would say 6 on top and 5 on the bottom. Teething with molars is a bitch, let me tell you! Her top three movies are Moana, Trolls, and Coco in that order. Her Moana fleece blanket goes with her everywhere. She still loves her baba but doesn’t get them at daycare. She is becoming acclimated to daycare way better than expected and we’re grateful to have more structure in her schedule. She is also getting to be more socially acclimated which is nice. Her dibling goes to the same daycare but they aren’t in the same class since she is a year younger than Alyssa.

My anxiety and depression has been kinda crazy lately. I went off of my antidepressant which of course made things worse. I didn’t do it on purpose, I just kept forgetting or kept making excuses that other things were more important and I was busy and forgot. I am taking better care of myself in that aspect though and it has improved my symptoms tremendously. I was definitely in a scary dark place for almost a week and it felt like two years in “depressed” time.

Alright, well…I think that’s all for now. Just trying to survive this thing called life. Trying to begin our lives in Florida, find our own place, make new friends, find a better job for my wife, etc.

Keeping my head above water.

XO

-A

Two Thousand and Seventeen

four.whole.months

As I sit here on the bedroom floor hiding (so you won’t see me) and rocking you to sleep in your rock-n-play, I glanced over and saw your ultrasound photo book sitting on the shelf across from me. I couldn’t help but reach and grab it to sift through to pass the time. The first page I open to and it was exactly one year ago today that we had your first ultrasound, October 7th, 2016. I immediately was in my feels because DAMN, so many things – incredible things, can happen in such a little amount of time. I remember how cautiously optimistic (understatement) we were in anticipation of seeing your sweet little bean of a self on the big screen. There you were, in all of your glory – this little dot. That one little dot that would soon change our world in more ways than one! A little dot that we had no clue was a bouncing baby boy or girl. We had hoped and dreamed you would come along one day and here you are, four months old, snoring away right next to me. Sometimes a part of me gets so impatient because I cannot wait to see what you will be like at six months, nine months, a year old. I know that you are going to have such an awesome little personality and I just cannot wait to see what you will be like. But then there is also that part of me that wishes I could stop time to just cuddle you a little longer, stare at that sweet baby face until my hearts content (which would be never), and hear those coo’s you make as you fall asleep for the rest of my days.

Your mom and I have so many wishes, hopes, and dreams for you. I don’t know if you will ever truly understand the magnitude of our love for you but what I can tell you is, we will spend all of our days proving it to you.

Love you to the moon and back,

❤️💋